After an almost 3-year break...

I have so many arms of social media. My stuff, my band stuff, my two main pen names. It gets confusing and strange after a while. 

But journaling makes me calm, to some degree, and as stress builds up, it might be helpful to vent some of my thoughts. Twitter and Facebook have been making me angry lately, so here I am. 

I honestly don't even know if a single person knows this page exists. Whatever. 

The band is obviously on hiatus for now. Given the state of the world, it might be permanent. There's no way to tell at this point if I'll ever feel safe in a crowd again. 

So all of my energy and creativity goes into my writing. I work like a demon whenever the focus is there, and the headaches aren't. It's a tricky balance. 

I just published my first book of 2021 on Amazon, and another one on pre-order. My writing schedule is downright frightening. But that's okay. It's not like I have anything else to do other than short walks for fresh air, and great dinners with Mike. 

Let's see if blogging keeps me calm. At least I'll have somewhere to stick all of the cool web links that I find on breaks. 

My new self help ebook is online now, for only $5.99

Are you 100% dazzled by who and what you are right now?
How about 90%? How about being a little more you?

If you want to have a fabulous life, and be the best version of yourself, you’re going to need a plan. You’ll have to do a little work. Stand up, start now.

Be more than a beige, autopilot adaptation. Learn how to change, lie to your brain, and rewire your personality to become a more authentic, real you.

You can be more outgoing and confident in this awkward, panic inducing world. You can kick that low level anxiety holding you back. You just have to think about it, work at it, and have a plan. The two secret tools are sheer bloody-mindedness and a notebook.

Only you know what your goals are. Who do you want to be, and what do you want to do? Whether you want to be a completely different person, get promoted, find new friends, or just upgrade your life in general, this book can help you get started. There are many Action Items (aka “Homework”) to set you on the path to find the best you, and a simple formula to follow to get it done.

Even if you have never read a self-help book in your life, why not give it a shot? Trying new things keeps us interesting… if you’re into that sort of thing.

Warning: Contains salty language, science, psychology, snarky humour, and Canadian spellings.

Purchase Links (Amazon, Kobo, Smashwords)  NeverBeYourself.com

Plan a Great Week - Free Weekly Planner Printable

Kick Anxiety. Crush Fear. Be a Bigger, Better version of Yourself

http://www.ihaveasecret.com/2017/11/11/plan-a-great-week/#more-129

Free Printable - Weekly Planner Worksheet

IHaveASecret.com is back online!

http://www.ihaveasecret.com/2017/10/19/positive-energy-without-being-a-hippie/ Please check in weekly for new posts!

June - what did I get done?

- June 8th I recorded a podcast for "JR talks to people", which should be online soon.
- June 10th I posted a new short story online under my pen name
- June 18th I posted the longest short story I've done yet (12,659 words) under my pen name
- June 20th I completed a video editing project that was recorded a year ago, had some extensive additions and revisions, then the author's book cover was delayed until a few weeks ago. It's finally completed. Now I have a great sample video in case other poets and author's are interested in shooting video of their work. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bQhVrBYw5Q
- June 21st I posted the first chapter in a free series on Wattpad
https://www.wattpad.com/story/113402847-dominatrix-daily-08-11-16
- Due to timing, I've only been getting to hot yoga once or twice a week, and usually the 60 minute classes. June 20-26 I survived a 90 minute class every other day. I can already feel my core gaining strength!
- The book outline for Never Be Yourself is sketched, and the cover designed. These are both subject to change as the project progresses, but I need these things in place to make the project seem more urgent. My current timeline has the project going live on October 3rd.
- June 24th I began submitting photos on Fotolia / Adobe Stock. I take a lot of pics, and see things with the eye of a graphic designer who might need spaces for text, so I am hopeful that some of them will sell.
- June 26-29 I went camping. Long hikes and staying calm through mosquito torture is good for me.
- I published 3 erotica short stories, and am steadily gaining social media followings for my pen name.

Life Report

Yesterday I sold 4 copies of my short stories on Spanish Amazon. Neat.

In the past week:
- I've posted May's free stuff at my Patreon account, been brainstorming, going to revamp the whole thing to make it more coherent.
- Worked on an author video that was done last year but had some final changes, and it's tricky editing when I don't understand the language. Interesting.
- Been working on my own little adventure video - recording voiceovers is sort of fun.
- Working on two new short stories, designed the two covers, brainstorming next three stories.
- Gathering materials to get a mini design portfolio online soon
- Posted first Fiverr gig. Just starting, still researching site and prices.
- Booked a band photo shoot... finally I'm the one doing the shooting!
- Edited and posted a selection of nature photos I had taken last fall.
- Sorting photo sets and prepping photo collections / portfolios
- Learned fancy photo scroll trick and a few other things in Muse, the new web design program that I'm learning
- Working on book outline
- Saw Wonder Woman. Really liked it, but I'm not good with war movies. Intense.
- Cleared parts of the garden with much help from others (thanks others!), planted the spinach and lettuce sprouts, arranged two planters for front porch with greenery recycled from the back garden.
- My left shoulder has informed me that I'm a total jerkass for gardening so much in one day. My lower back isn't pleased with me either.

Today: Get mini-portfolio and a new story online, start work on 3 websites that must be completed this week. Book graphic design jobs, ANYTHING for ANY amount.

New Band Shows - High Heels Lo Fi!

highheelslofi.com <-- click for show details - we are playing at Stop, Drop & Roll on March 10th, Cherry Cola's on March 16th, and have 8 shows in total booked this year already. Plus a new website on Wednesday, a new EP and video stuff happening this spring. Get onthe mailing list, first page of the site, to stay in touch!!

New Website, New Posts Soon!

www.ihaveasecret.com - Please turn email notifications on there so that you don't miss new posts!

We all have secrets. Perhaps, like me, you work in a corporate office during the day, but are an artist / rock singer at night. Perhaps you’re a shy, quiet person who wants to be a louder person. Perhaps you pretend to be “normal”, but you’re actually a superfun superfreak. It’s all good. For all of the interesting people with other sides, ihaveasecret.com is for you!

I've learned a lot of things in my tumble around the sun, and this new site is where I'll be sharing some of my coping mechanisms, my survival skills, and my "kick your own ass" suggestions.

Discoveries from the Mirror at Hot Yoga Class

One of the things about hot yoga that freaked me out in the beginning is that you are supposed to look at yourself in the mirror for most of the 90 minute class. Ick. Unless I am busy painting my face, or checking my teeth for spinach, staring at myself in a mirror is unsettling. I have never really understood vanity, and it just makes me uncomfortable.

But this is the way things are done there, and I'm trying to think of it simply as a positioning tool. Are my arms even? Are my knees and elbows in line? Is my foot coming up over my head yet? As my practice is progressing, however, I couldn't help but notice a few other fascinating things. Well, fascinating to me, anyhow.

- My tranquil focussed face actually looks a bit grumpy and bitchy.

- My right shoulder is noticeably higher. This is logical, since my scoliosis bends my middle back to the left, but I didn't realize it was so pronounced.

- My left leg is thicker than the right, both the thigh and the calf. My right knee is often borked, and I sprained my right ankle quite badly last year, so I spend far more time standing on the left. I'm going to make an effort to stand on the right as much as possible when waiting for elevators, on the subway, etc.

- My arms are far more toned than they were 6 months ago. Neat.

- I am a bit tall for a girl. I'm only 5'7.75", but when compared to groups of people, I am slightly taller than the rest of the gals. I often forget this.

- My balance is pretty good when I am gazing at any part of the floor, but when I look up at the mirror like we are supposed to, I am suddenly unstable. (It also occurs when I have to look up at the ceiling, to some extent) Something about the mirror not being a stable visual surface throws off my focus. Weird. Working on this.

- Note to self: you look slimmer when you stand up straight. For goodness sake, stand up straight!

- My knees aren't screwed on correctly. They are twisted too far inward. To straighten my knees, I must turn my feet out at bit like a duck.

Basically, I forget how weird my body is. I know, everyone's body is weird - the human body is a tweaky demented creature. Now that I am reminded of this information, perhaps I can gently persuade some parts to even out, get in line, and balance more.

New Blog Posts

http://ihaveasecret.com

http://ihaveasecret.com/2017/01/03/2016-recap-2017-goals/

500 Instagram Posts!

http://instagram.com/cynthiagould

Please follow me! <a href="http://instagram.com/cynthiagould">instagram.com/cynthiagould</a>

IHaveASecret.com relaunch!

I am super excited about my latest project, and hope that you will all help me just a bit! Please check out the site, and use those share buttons at the bottom of each post - I'm hoping to get many people to Follow via Email (sidebar) and assist in spreading the word. We can change ourselves. We can get over Anxiety and Fear. We just have to have a plan, have a goal, and keep at it!

3 Movies That Helped Me Analyze My Life http://ihaveasecret.com/2016/09/27/ihaveasecret-3-movies-that-helped-me-analyze-my-life/

"Be Less Shy Toronto"

"Public Speaking for Shy, Nervous Folks Toronto"

"Stop Being Shy Toronto"

"Be Less Shy Toronto"

"Social Anxiety Toronto"

"Public Speaking for Introverts Toronto"

I've gone from being literally too shy to speak unless spoken to, to being the raunchy wild singer of a rock band. I decided to become a different person, and spent several years rewiring my brain, and changing my reaction to anxiety. I've learned many things on my path from shy to screamer, and I can help you.

When I say "public speaking", I don't mean that everyone needs to be able to address a crowd of thousands. Maybe you just need to ask a question in class, speak to your crush beyond "hi", or tell the server you're allergic to fish. For extremely shy people, it's truly difficult to speak up and speak out - but I know how to get you there, without any traumatic fire walks or freaking you out.

If you're interested in a one hour workshop in a relaxed, low stress environment, please email me - when I have 10 people, I'll organize it.

We'll discuss:
- the science of fear
- the logic and illogicalness of shyness
- how to speak to strangers
- how to speak in public
- simple exercises so that you can babystep your way to becoming a more outgoing person

If you want to take that first step to becoming more comfortable in this world, being able to speak out when you really need to, please email cynthia.gould@gmail.com immediately!

Haiku Deathmath & Show Hosting

I love hosting shows! I have always enjoyed event planning, crowd wrangling, and keeping the audience energy up, but when I'm hosting instead of performing, it allows me to be a cheerleader for the real performers. I know, a vivacious host is performing in a different way - it is both more and less stress at the same time, but I truly love it.

The annual Toronto Haiku Head-to-head Deathmatch was amazing. People really seemed excited about the death and destruction, and the fact that they got to be rowdy at a poetry event. Here's my quote on that philosophy: Click

If you know of any shows / events / shindigs / hootenanys that might require a host, please let me know! cynthia.gould@gmail.com

Art: Part 2 - Visuals

I have always painted, drawn, doodled, created things that were visually expressive to me. Then I spent 3 years in college studying art history, typography, colour theory, composition, layout, and the ways of commercial art, graphic design, and visual communication.

Years passed, I was busy with work, running a zine, websites, moving to Toronto and falling in love with this city. I finally started painting again, this time in a very different style. It took a few years to evolve, but I hit upon a method of painting that was incredible enjoyable to do, and other people seemed to like it too. A friend was stunned once when I admitted that I've sold over 100 paintings. That doesn't necessarily mean they're good, just that it's a popular style that people want to hang in their homes. Happy hippie art. Abstracts with stuff in them. Dr. Seuss meets Miro.

But then I started assisting a friend with lighting. There is a lot of tech involved, and I really don't take to fighting with gear, but I learned, I listened, I fought through it. Then he took on the technical part of the visual projections at a monthly event, and I was able to concentrate on content - creating video clips, using samples, and mixing the projections live. Suddenly everything clicked - live visual performance art. This is what I've been wanting to do forever. Then that monthly event stopped running. Drat.

Now I want to VJ at least once a month, but there just aren't a lot of venues set up for it, or events that can pay a VJ (at least enough to cover my expenses & Uber home at 3am). Hopefully I'll find another regular gig again soon!

My vimeo page: https://vimeo.com/vj7thdeadly
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPenJP099rQzAGQliSCKbomOGan-ridjN


Next time - Photography!